Faithful

I wrote this a few months ago, but am just now getting up the courage to post it. It is rather personal, but I hope that it can help someone else that may be going through a trying time. Remember you have (or can have) a solid foundation in Him and that the storm will not last forever.


Several months ago, John and I started praying about whether or not we should have a third baby. I don’t know if I was exactly ready for another baby, knowing all the hard work and sleepless nights/days it would cost, but I felt like our family was incomplete. After praying for some time, John and I decided it was time to start trying. There are few times in life that I am certain God answered me, but I am certain he told us to have another baby at that time. So, after one month, I was pregnant. It seemed like that was a sign that we were acting according to His plan. Even when I started having complications at week seven, I knew that God was with us and that nothing bad would happen because, after all, we were doing what He told us to. Sadly, I was soon reminded that God does not promise nothing bad will happen in our lives, he only promises to never leave us and to see us through those hard times. I had a miscarriage a few days later. I was heart-broken and confused, but surprisingly not resentful towards God. My first instinct was to thank the Lord for the blessings he has already given me, and I took some time to really appreciate the two healthy children we already have. That is such a huge blessing, and I am so thankful for my husband and children, and I pray for my friends that have not been blessed with a family yet despite their faithful waiting and praying.

Over the next few days, I experienced a peace that I never thought I would have in a time of such great sorrow. I know I was only able to function and face my daily life because of the peace and love that The Lord bestowed on me. I don’t know why we have to experience things like that or how it fits into His plan, but I do know that God will sustain you in your times of need. And, I learned once again that things do not always go the way I want or expect just because I am doing what I am supposed to. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we expected or take a few detours on our way.

Over the next couple months, I continued to pray and listen. The only answer I got was that the plan had not changed. I was not sure if I was ready to be pregnant again, but I felt like we still needed to try. In July, I found out I am pregnant again. I was so paranoid something might go wrong again. My doctor checked my hormone levels, and said everything was fine. There was nothing else to do but wait and pray. So, I waited, and I prayed, and I tried not to be too paranoid. The first few weeks of my pregnancy were very tough on me. I felt very sick all the time for about 3 weeks straight, no matter what I did. I spent as much time as possible just lying on the couch (I still had my 2 kids to take care of and work on the weekends). John was wonderful during that time and took care of everything for me when he got home. Fortunately, I have been much better the last several days, so now I am only sick at night and in the morning. I am glad I am finally able to take care of my family again without feeling horrible.

After what seemed like much praying and waiting, I finally had my first ultrasound. We got to see the baby and listen to its heartbeat, and take home some pictures and great relief. I am due May 30th, and the doctor said that at this stage, my chances of a miscarriage are less than 2 percent. I was so happy to hear that, and I finally stopped worrying. I finally feel like it is ok if I don’t feel sick, because I know my baby is doing well. Of course, I have no delusions that everything will be perfect. I know that there could still be complications, but I finally don’t feel guilty when I am not being paranoid. I give myself permission to relax and enjoy the blessing and my life, and know that God is in control. I know that whatever happens, He will provide for my family. And, I take great comfort in knowing my children are God’s children, and he loves them more that I will ever be capable of. So, it is wonderful to see that God is faithful, and to know that I was able to be faithful in one of the hardest experiences I will hopefully ever have to endure. I am not saying that I was not confused, upset, and angry, but I did not turn my back on Him and I know that He did not and will not ever abandon me. I still don’t know why it had to happen that way, but I do know the only reason I was able to recover is because of His peace and love and support and compassion. I am determined to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and hopefully the birth or our third child, and whatever comes after that.